The family healer often stands alone.
As I write this, the world continues to grow louder, more fearful, and more chaotic for many on this planet. But this external noise is not consuming everyone. There are many who stand apart from this noise, the fear, and the chaos. There are those who came here to transmute the darkness and bring light to themselves, their families, ancestors, and the world. The world changes one person, one choice, one change in belief or behavior, one healing at a time.
I’m guessing since you are still reading, that you are one of those people. The chosen one in your family who feels the pain and still chooses to face it and heal it. The one who researches the lineage and discerns what’s written between the lines on the genealogy and military records. You see and sense the information no paper trail can provide.
You know where the trauma and patterns live within yourself and your ancestral lines. You realize there are more than two sides or perspectives for any family event, trauma, or story. As difficult as it is, you try to view situations and people through a non-judgmental lens and historical context. You are the one who is willing to do the deep work to find answers that change the structure and energy of your family.
When you do this – you often stand alone. You are the one who is shunned or bad mouthed, misunderstood, and often hated. But you are never alone. Your ancestors are standing next to you and behind you to provide support – if you are willing to receive.
Discovering Family Pain and Patterns
I’ve been the chosen one in my family my entire life. I knew as a young child that I was here to stop destructive and toxic family patterns and cycles. I could see much of it playing out – more on my maternal side than my paternal side. However, as an adult, I’ve been learning about and processing the pain and trauma of my paternal side as well. No family comes without pain. Many families have someone who is willing to face it, identify, heal, and release it, no matter the cost. This is where genealogy and military research can help us.
But first – meet Bessie Zajicek Kokoska, my great grandma. See her snarling in the background?
Of all my ancestors who have shown up from the other side, Bessie never has. I’m not sure why. However, a few years ago I was called (by her?) to investigate her life. You see, my mom had nothing good to say about her grandma Bessie. All I heard was how horrible of a person she was. How she killed her husband Joseph, my mom’s favorite person.
Truth be told – Joseph died of a heart attack – likely due to genetics and all the rich Czech foods he ate. But from the eyes and heart of a child, I can see why she thought her grandma killed him.
All this anger and hate toward Bessie made me wonder – what happened to her that made her this energy that no one liked? Or at least one person didn’t like. So I began to dig into the genealogical records of her life and those around her. Do you know what I discovered?
A lot. And most of it had no paper trail to confirm the findings.
Why?
Because sometimes you have to use the paper trail knowledge and your own intuition to sort out the facts. Allow your ancestors to guide you through the noise to see what’s not written down. And we know, not everything that has happened to us (or our ancestors) that was negative or traumatic was documented. For example, in my own life, there was verbal, mental and emotional abuse I suffered in two specific relationships was not documented beyond my private journals and conversations with close friends. No official record exists – yet across my life and future relationships – it was evident what happened to me if you pay attention. There are signs. The body and soul keep score.
So Why Was Grandma So Mean?
Using census records, vital records, military documents, family lore, my intuition, and various tools to show me family patterns, I began to understand the events that took place in Bessie’s life to contribute to her moving from a happy young woman to a potentially crabby, negative old lady. I began seeing patterns between events in her life and mine and through the generations. In the end, I cannot give you a paper trail to prove much of the discovery and outcome, as it’s based on the family patterns, traumas, and certain events. However, I can describe it to you and show you the patterns.
We all carry residue of our ancestors’ unprocessed trauma, dreams, joys, successes, basically everything. It’s how it shows up in our lives that should make us pause and then research.
Understanding more of the records that told a story about Bessie gave me greater insight into why I felt so much pain when certain events happened in my life. Only decades later, after looking at her pain, could I understand mine. Think child loss, death, major historical events that changed everyone, living in survival mode all the time…
Has this knowledge brought me closer to my family? No. The more I dig, the more patterns I see, the more I heal and change my beliefs and behaviors (which happens a lot), the farther away I am from them. I do observe how this work changes them in small ways. Changes those around me. When we heal – it ripples out to everyone.
It has been said that humanity is at a crossroads and some will continue to rise in consciousness and shift while others will remain stuck. I guess if that is true, we have to make peace with being the one who is shunned, hated, pushed aside because we are to loud about what needs to be examined and changed. We shine too brightly, speak truth too loudly and are willing to be the change the world needs.
Our ancestors are ready to help us make that shift. In fact, we are the one they have waited for.
Are you ready to examine the deeper layers of your family’s genealogical and military records, family stories, beliefs, behaviors, and patterns? If so, I have an offer for you.
Webinar – Why Was Grandma So Mean?
On Monday, March 2, at 7:00 p.m. CDT, I’m hosting my program, Why Was Grandma So Mean?
Have you ever looked back at your family and wondered: Why was grandma so harsh? Why did grandpa abandon the family? Why was there so much silence, control, anger, or emotional distance in my family?
This program explores the deeper “why” behind difficult family dynamics—without blame, and without excusing harm.
Why Was Grandma So Mean? is a guided experience that helps you understand how trauma moves through families, how it shows up in genealogy records, and how it may still be shaping your life today.
What We’ll Explore
- What generational trauma really is (and what it isn’t)
- Different types of trauma—war, loss, poverty, displacement, abuse, illness, silence, and survival stress
- How trauma can shape behavior, parenting, emotional expression, and family roles
- Patterns in genealogy records: early deaths, institutionalization, repeated losses, migration, military service, and secrets
- How inherited patterns show up in our relationships, nervous systems, beliefs, and choices
- Ways to gently acknowledge what was carried—without retraumatizing or rewriting history
This Is Not About Blame
Our ancestors did the best they could with what they had.
This work is about context, compassion, and clarity—seeing the full picture so we can stop carrying what was never meant to be ours.
I hope to see you in the program.
© 2026 WWII Research and Writing Center
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